I don’t know if you caught it but last week’s killer kale post had a glaring typo in it.  I wrote breathe when I meant breath.  Dear goodness, how embarrassing!  For those of you who did indeed catch it, thank you for not rubbing my nose in it.  And for those of you who didn’t, start reading more closely!    This breathe/breath debacle, which I caught 10 minutes after the email went out, tipped off an early morning rant that I know left the neighbors fearful for my mental sanity.

Here are some of the lovely phrases that dropped out of my mouth:

I’m insanely stupid!

I am a terrible writer.

No wonder I didn’t get into Tufts!

Only an idiot would let this happen.

I’m the worst proofreader on the planet.

This is why I only got a B in Honors English!!

You can see where this is going.  

My monkey mind loves to yip, chirp and otherwise scream biting insecurities and judgments at me any chance it gets and on this particular morning, we were goin’ full steam.  And let’s be honest: in my immediate estimation, I deserved an ego smack-down.  I would have thought the exact same thing (and have, actually) had I received an email or newsletter with such an obvious typo.  “What is wrong with this person?  Don’t they know the difference between ‘breathe’ and ‘breath’?  What an idiot!!”  And this is where judgment is really sneaky.  As it turns out, your judgment of others is simply a reflection of the deeply-ingrained insecurities and judgment you heap upon yourself.  Whoa, nelly!!

To start being OK with your mistakes, it’s imperative to first soften your personal judgments.

Now, in the past (as in last week), being OK with my mistakes just killed me.  People say to be like the proverbial duck and just let it roll off your back.  I never understood that duck and actually found his nonchalant attitude toward mistakes quite annoying.  I thought, “Who does he thinks he is with his slick-feathered coat letting everything slide off him without a scratch?   Forget that dude!  He obviously hasn’t dealt with seriously BIG mess-ups like a typo in an email.”  And of course with those thoughts, I was both judging myself AND a duck that doesn’t even exist!  The best though was that after all of that, I stepped back, realized the negative pattern I was in and started judging myself for being judgmental. “You know better,” I chastised.  “You meditate.  You eat kale for goodness sake, you should be better than this!!”

So, the big take-away from all of this is I’m an insanely judgmental person.  And if we are all being honest, so are you.  There is no one on this planet who does not pass judgment on themselves and on others.  We can’t help it.  It’s built into us through family dynamics, the school playground, media, advertising etc.  And though I work daily on not judging others, the whole not judging myself thing has proved a bit harder.

So, here’s the golden ticket to getting out of judgment jail.

It’s OK.  It’s OK.   It’s ALL freakin’ OK.

Seriously.  Sit with that for a sec and don’t let your judgmental Judy chime in.  It really is OK.  So I made an obvious and quite embarrassing typo.  It is OK.  So I was mean to my sister (sorry Laura!), or went over my budget or broke someone’s vase or even their heart.  It’s OK.  The quickest way to ease judgment is believing, and then feeling, that whatever you did, whatever they did, is all OK.

Now I know what you’re saying,  “Nope, I just can’t let it be OK, Jamie.  Because if everything is OK then how will I repent when I’ve messed up?  Ripping myself, and others, a new one is my only gauge to know when I, or they, do something wrong.”    But think about this:  the guilt and judgment (which feeds anxiety and fear beautifully) does nothing but put your mind back on the judgment Ferris wheel for another, seemingly unending, ride.  There is zero glory in self flagellation.  Zero my friends!   We think it makes us a better, stronger person but in reality it keeps us in a gut-wrenching cycle of anxiety and eventual despair.

It is only when we can make a mistake, own up to it, say we are sorry, really mean it and then proclaim to ourselves, ITS ALL OK, that we can let go and experience the lightness and freedom only reserved for those special, slippery-coated ducks.

So tell me, how are you judgmental with yourself and others?  What does it feel like to say, IT’S OK?  What are your tips on telling your judgmental Judy to take a hike?   Tell me in the comments below.

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Today’s Tweetables:

“To be OK with your mistakes, it’s imperative to first soften your personal judgments.” @jamieliving

“There is zero glory in self flagellation.”  @jamieliving 

It’s safe to say that I’ve been known to have a bad attitude when it comes to meeting new people.   And though I’ve become more open over time, my husband is still programmed to say, “Babe, I know you don’t like new people, but there is someone you really have to meet.”  Bizarre, right?  What’s up with that?   I’m a happy, outgoing, easy with a smile, kind of a person.  I like people.  My job revolves around supporting, listening and inspiring people.  So why the bizarre wave of uncomfortability with new interactions?

One word, my dearie…competition.  Oy dear lawd, not this topic….again!  No one likes to look at their shit, and yes, we all have shit.  It’s tough work slogging through the stuff and honestly, this murky pile o’mess stinks.

As a coach, I’d like to think I’m up there with being accountable and open with what’s going on with me.  I’ve got to walk my talk, right?  But this thing, this competition thang, still twists and ties me up like nothing else.  And it’s why I used to avoid new people, especially new women.  What if they were smarter than me, more successful than me, happier than me, thinner than me, richer than me, and (God forbid!), funnier than me?  Well, that was just way too much for my delicate flower soul to handle.  Nope, I decided it was much safer to just keep to myself, do my work and not be intimidated by the outside world.

Muscling out the competition!

Seems brilliant in theory, right?  You know, conquer the world all by yourself from your home office.  But as it turns out, you simply can’t.  Any happy, deeply contented, authentic and yes, successful person is well-connected.  I’m not talking about my grandmother’s version of well-connected, which means having the Marchioness of Bath in your rolodex (true story), though those connections certainly don’t hurt.  But rather, to live a wondrous, prosperous and truly fulfilling life you’ve got to be well-connected to a group of open, authentic rock-star women who have your best interests at heart.  These are women who love and support you when you just don’t have the strength to do so yourself.  And we all, no matter how enlightened and how zen we are, have those moments when it seems impossible to love ourselves.

These women feed off your innate awesomeness and give it back 10-fold.  They are the ones magically armed and ready with tissues and dark chocolate when it’s breakdown time.  And these are the women who hold the space and inspire you to create, express and shine as the unique woman you are!

Sometimes you’ve got to search for these beautiful women and sometimes they simply fall into your lap.  But first, you’ve got to be open to creating genuine connection, which means, big shocker, unleashing the real YOU.

News flash…Being the real you is scary as hell.  Believe me, I know.  I thought I was being the real me for years until I realized my perpetual undercurrent of self flagellation, judgment and resentment was a symptom of the real me (my authentic self) trying to get out.  (It’s complicated but we will get there.)  Exposing the truest pieces of YOU is undeniably liberating, however in doing so you open yourself up to questions, comments and (oy!) judgmental concerns!

OK, let’s take a deep breathe.  I’m not talking about vomiting your life story onto every female passerby.  That would be over-sharing.  But telling your carefully selected, trusted wonder-women what’s really going on behind that giant stone wall you’ve erected around yourself is essential in fully loving your body, your food, your family, and your many imperfections.

So here’s what you are going to do.  Rather than stay small and stoic, simultaneously believing you know everything and nothing and don’t need support because you are a smart woman and can figure it all out by yourself thank you very much, you are going to seek out a lady friend and share your current feelings.  This might be nails-on-a-chalk board uncomfortable at first.  Keep going.  A touch of emotional pain is the sign we are gettin’ to the good stuff.

Now notice, once you do this, how easily you swap out the repressive feelings of competition for connection.   It’s almost as if they do it on their own.  And how is that?  Because destructive competition cannot survive among authentic connection.  With competition peeled away, suddenly there is enough for all and the need to compare your body, business and life to everyone with a va-jay-jay, melts away.  It’s a freakin’ miracle!

This is a HUGE topic that we women rarely let ourselves talk about.  Here’s what I want to know.  Where have you seen competition halt your business and body love?  What do you do to calm the cracked-out, competitive commandos in your brain?

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