The problem with over-functioning.
This past weekend I had the honor of facilitating a workshop for a group of mothers about over and under-function in the face of stress and crisis.
Over-functioning and under-functioning, terms coined by psychotherapist Harriet Lerner, break down this way:
People who over-function do rather than feel. In a crisis they take charge. They are the helpers who believe they don't need help.
People who under-function collapse in a crisis. They need help rather than being able to offer help.
Within seconds of naming over and under-functioning tendencies, half the mothers were crying.
It was the first time many of them had language for how they've been living their lives. All of them identified as over-fuctioners. (In my work I call over-fuctioners Handlers.) Women who are the doers, organizers, cooks, cleaners, and providers for their families. They spoke of being the person everyone comes to for guidance and support. They expressed the power in having control and also the pain and isolation of needing to hold it all together, all by themselves.
We discussed how their over-functioning came to be; a well-crafted and honest survival mechanism to keep them alive, focused and half-way sane. We also talked about the price of over-functioning; the drive to keep moving forward no matter the cost, the painful absence of feeling, the lost opportunities for vulnerability and the healing that comes with being held by others.
Toward the end of the call I asked the group, "What would it take to allow yourself to be held?"
There was silence for a beat and then a woman answered, "I don't know how to let other people hold me. I probably first need to learn how to hold myself." With her honesty came my tears, hot and heavy, tracking the truth of her words across my skin.
When I talk about the importance of self care what I really mean is learning how to hold ourselves with such tenderness that we feel safe enough to drop the over-functioning.
It's a practice of allowing the armor and vigilance to fall away. It's a process of homecoming in the name of love.
Dr. Vivek Murthy, a physician and former United States Surgeon General recently said his hope is that we all take actions that tip our world towards love. Learning how to care for and hold ourselves so that one day we can be held by others, counts as love tipping action. In fact, when we're brave enough to drop our over-functioning and be held, we build connections that strengthen our relationships, our families, our communities and ultimately our society.
If you too struggle with over-functioning my invitation for you this week is to take a bit of time to hold yourself. Perhaps this looks like placing a hand on your heart and saying, "It's OK, honey. I'm here." Maybe it's feeling your feelings without judgement or shame, or maybe it's simply taking a warm bath without interruption.
Make time for yourself this week and know that each act of holding is an act of love that our world desperately needs.
And if you'd like to dig deeper on over-functioning, listen to this care call on how to live an unapologetic life.
If you enjoyed this post, please keep reading!
This conversation is between myself and an incredible woman named Ani, who shares how she learned how to be authentic, practice self-compassion, and take up space without guilt or shame through my 6-month group coaching program, Homecoming. Ani is a model for how to excavate internalized misogyny and live authentically without fear of others’ opinions. The conversation originally took place on my podcast, The Path Home.