How to Be Authentic, Practice Self Compassion, and Take Up Space
There’s plenty of talk these days on the importance of being authentic, self-compassionate, and taking up space. Sure, we’d love to possess these skills, but the question I hear often is, “HOW?”
Below is an interview with a woman who went from feeling quite small — as if she had to shrink the bigness of her voice and personality — to learning how to take up space without fear or self-judgement.
The conversation which follows is between myself and an incredible woman named Ani, who shares how she learned how to be authentic, practice self-compassion, and take up space without guilt or shame. The conversation originally took place on my podcast, The Path Home.
Ani is a graduate of my 6-month group coaching program, Homecoming. Homecoming participants meets weekly, via zoom for 90 minutes, giving us time for curriculum discussion, Q&A, personal reflection, insights, and on-the-spot coaching. If you become curious about Homecoming after reading Ani’s story, click here to learn more or begin the application process by setting up a discovery call. Registration is now open for the October 2022 cohort!
Alright, now that we’ve wrapped up the housekeeping, it’s time to dive into Ani’s amazing story. Ready? Grab your tea and settle in — this is a good one!
Homecoming Graduate Ani on How to Be Authentic, Take Up Space, and Practice Self Compassion.
Jamie Greenwood: Hello everyone. And welcome to The Path Home. I am your host, Jamie Greenwood, self care and leadership coach. And today we have something special. I am interviewing a dear friend who has participated in Homecoming, because I want you all to get an idea of what it's like to experience Homecoming and all you can get out of it. So I want you to hear it from her own mouth and not just me telling you about it. So with no further ado. Welcome Ani.
Ani: Thank you. I'm excited to be here.
Jamie Greenwood: So I want to dive in so that people can understand who Homecoming is for, why a certain person would say yes to it, what people can get out of it. Can you describe who you are and your personality a little bit?
Ani: Well, my name is Ani. I am an accountant from Winter Park, Colorado. I've lived there my whole life. I am very loud. It’s kind of a joke that I could be on mute and you'd still hear me. I have one of those very loud, strong personalities, and I always have my entire life. I'm very colorful, boisterous, but interestingly enough, before I did Homecoming, I was not like that. When I was in my youth it faded and then I kind of lost who I was.
Blog: Want to read more about the oppressive patriarchal systems that make us believe we must become small and quiet? Read my blog on What it Takes to Be Free.
Jamie Greenwood: So, take us back to before Homecoming, cuz you kind of said who you are now and then you said there was some shedding that needed to happen. So, where were you in your life when you discovered the Homecoming group?
Ani: When I discovered Homecoming, I had just separated from my husband, because I realized I was gay. So I was in this straight marriage and I was deeply ingrained in a thing that we call in my community, compulsory heterosexuality. Basically the concept that all we're taught is to be a wife to a man, and that's kind of your self worth. And I was realizing, I am not attracted to men, I'm married, but I'm attracted to women. So I had just come out and left my husband while I was running a company with him and we had two small children and I was spiraling. I had no idea who I was. I was starting to realize most of my personality traits were from my husband. They weren't me.
Ani Realized Her Personality Had Taken a Back Seat to Her Husband’s, That She Was Ingrained in a Compulsory Heterosexuality Narrative, and that She Needed Help Relearning How to Be Authentic.
Ani: My house was brown. Browns and camouflage and very manly because I was so ingrained in “don't upset anything.” So I just kind of let who I was go in my marriage and then I got out, he had moved out and that's when I found Homecoming. I actually found Jamie through a bloomers group. It’s a bunch of women who come out later in life, most of us married with kids. One of us shared a writing prompt that Jamie had done.
Ani: And so I went to Jamie's website and I saw the thing for Homecoming about coming home to yourself and living who you are and how do you find that. And I was like, “Oh, I need that! I have no idea who I am. I have no idea how to live. I make up these rules and I live by these rules that, um, control my entire life.” And so I just thought, “I'm gonna try this out. I'm gonna sign up. And I'm glad I did.”
Jamie Greenwood: That's so amazing, Ani, and it's amazing that even in that moment of feeling like you didn't know who you were, you knew what you needed. You knew you needed something. I have two questions for you. Before Homecoming, would you have considered yourself to be a joiner?
Ani Saw Homecoming as an Opportunity to Learn How to Be Authentic Again; To Discover Who She Was and How She Wanted to Live.
Ani: No, no, no. I never joined anything. I never volunteered for the daycare. I avoid clubs. I don't join anything. I also used to be that girl, that didn't hate other women, but all my friends were guys. And, you know, I was that girl in college. And I think that's one of the reasons I didn't join a lot of things because I didn't know how to interact with women. Through the coming out process, I'm realizing the strength in being with other women, and the strength that other women hold, and I wanted to tap into that.
“I was realizing the strength being with other women, and the strength that other women hold, and I wanted to tap into that.”
Jamie Greenwood: That's amazing. That is a huge 180. I mean, I certainly had that narrative a little bit too when I was younger of, all of my friends in high school are boys, because girls are drama.
Ani: Yeah. And they're not, you know, no, I think that was a narrative that was painted into my head.
Jamie Greenwood: Yes.
Ani: For us to fight against each other instead of raising each other up, you know?
Jamie Greenwood: I completely agree. Okay. So you joined Homecoming. I am so proud of you. Before Homecoming, how would you say you were at asking for support - particularly emotional support?
Ani: I had just started tapping into that. I had never done it. I'm also in therapy, going back through some of my issues from my youth. I was always the strong child, the strong woman or girl who's always taught, “you can figure it out”, just don't come to us. And that was the narrative that was painted onto me at a very young age. So I never went to anyone for emotional support. I had just started tapping into reaching out for emotional support. I actually started with a bloomers group - a group of women - when I first came out. They kind of opened the door for me to say, “Hey, there are people who can hold space for you and know what you're going through.” So it had only been like two or three months before I found you that I even found my first emotional support group.
Jamie Greenwood: Yeah. It takes a lot. And I think that narrative is often painted onto us, that we are the strong ones. It's so isolating. Because, if you're the strong one, what does it mean if you reach out for support? But also, if you're the strong one, you probably have no tools.
Jamie Greenwood: I'm so proud of you. Thank you for sharing that. And so you said “what's the worst that could happen if I joined this group,” but did you have any doubts or worries after signing up? Talk to me about those doubts and worries.
Ani: Well, this was twofold. I hadn't started therapy yet. I had really just been to my first emotional support group and I was still really skeptical of it. I really thought of it as a, kind of like a woo woo group. And I was like, you know, this is probably gonna be a lot of women just singing kumbaya and toxic positivity. And I was nervous and I said, well, just go to the first one. And if the first one is hard or you don't feel right, then you don't have to continue. You know? Actually no, that's not what I thought. No, that's what me now would think, but not how I thought back then. I was like, “You signed up, you have to do this. You cannot not do this. You're doing it!”
Ani: That's how me then would've thought. And I did it on a whim and then I felt guilty. I was like, “Well, if you hate it, you have to do it anyway. You know, you you're locked in for life. You can't quit.” Because I follow rules, like there is a rule: I signed up, I have to finish it. I have to follow through because I don't quit and I don't fail, you know? So that's more of a like, well, I put my credit card in and now there's no more, there's no going back. So I don't think I gave myself a choice in it not working.
Blog: Read my thoughts on the intense pressure to never quit!
Jamie Greenwood: For all you listeners, Homecoming is not for life. It is just six months! When you say yes to it, you say yes for the six months. Ani, I don't know if you felt right from the beginning, but to me, your presence in the group felt right from the beginning. What you said is really interesting, because the first thing you said was, “ If I don't like it, I don’t have to keep going.” That was compassion, that was a compassionate response to a moment of suffering that I'm just gonna say, I think you learned in Homecoming.
Ani: Yep.
Jamie Greenwood: Yeah. And so, your actual response was one that was kind of hard and aggressive and not very compassionate to yourself. Just to reflect, I feel like there are so many areas in which I've seen you grow in our time together, including self compassion and the way you are tender with yourself when you would've been so brutal to yourself before. Can you say a little bit more about the process of bringing compassion and self compassion into your life?
Ani Learned to Practice Self Compassion Through Homecoming, Giving Herself Permission to Be Tender with Herself.
Ani: Yes. I was hard on myself for well, I was 32 when I signed up for Homecoming, so 32 years. One of the things that I definitely learned in Homecoming is ego versus self-compassion. I was taught, “you're the best,” you know? You tell yourself these narratives like, “you're the best, you can't fail.” And it's kind of put in this presentation of, “it's a good thing to have a good ego and confidence,” and “you don't fail,” and that kind of toxic positivity. But through this, I really learned how to talk to myself. The self-compassion section was the hardest section for me, but its also been the thing I've worked on the most.
Ani: Even since Homecoming ended, when I do things, when I create these rules in my life like “Sunday is for rest, you rest on Sundays,” I think, “why is that a rule in my life?” Probably my parents, but it was just a rule and I followed it and, you know, Saturdays, I went to the grocery store at a certain time. The self-compassion allows me to say, “I don't wanna go and that's okay.”
Ani: Now I realize those inner monologues are so powerful. They're not weak, they're not something only flighty people use. No, they're really strong communication that you have to have with yourself. And I didn't know that before. So doing that section of Homecoming and teaching myself how to talk to myself to quote, I think Brené Brown, to talk to myself like I would my best friend, was really difficult but really rewarding and powerful.
Jamie Greenwood: Speaking of rewarding, what have you learned about yourself in the process of Homecoming and what have you moved into since graduation?
Ani: I've learned a lot about my true joys. Like what I really like, what really brings me happiness. I love color, not camouflage, but every color in the rainbow. And it's not just because I'm a member of the LGBT community, but I really do love colorful things. And I love flowers and I love pretty feminine things. I had always been taught I'm this strong, powerful business woman and liking those things makes me weak or high maintenance. Self compassion helped me realize it's okay to like these things, it's okay to wear makeup, and that doesn't make me high maintenance or tacky. It's just something I like. Self compassion helped me celebrate myself in ways that I didn't even know existed before Homecoming. It especially helped me honor my femininity, which I think is interesting because I would never have expected that going in. Going into Homecoming, I thought we’d be a group of strong, powerful women being strong, powerful women together. I now feel this allowance to be soft, cushy and fluffy . . . and to buy a million plants because plants are the best.
“I had always been taught I'm this strong, powerful business woman and liking [flowers and pretty feminine things] makes me weak or high maintenance. [Learning to practice self compassion] helped me realize it's okay to like these things, it's okay to wear makeup, and that doesn't make me high maintenance or tacky.”
Jamie Greenwood: Ani I'm getting chills! This is so incredible. What you’re doing is excavating your internalized misogyny.
Ani: Yes. Of the role I was supposed to play, you know?
Jamie Greenwood: Yes.
Ani: We're supposed to be the feminine woman, but not too feminine, and only as long as it's within the boundaries of what society accepts. But it's not true.
“We're supposed to be the feminine woman, but not too feminine, and only as long as it's within the boundaries of what society accepts. But it's not true.”
Jamie Greenwood: It sounds like you really went from thinking, “who should I be” and “how should I look,” and now you've moved into a place of saying, “this is just what I am.” I appreciate you naming how, through the process of Homecoming, you embraced your bigness. Your big voice, your big ideas, your big feelings, and your big life! You are co-parenting with your ex-husband. You have a partner now. You have two children. Like there's, there's a bigness to you that I think you were trying to contain before.
Ani: Yes. I was trying to water myself down because people can't handle the bigness and I thought I needed to make myself easier to handle instead of accepting my bigness and then saying,” Okay, if you don't want to accept my everything, then maybe we're not meant in each other's spaces,” you know?
Jamie Greenwood: Wow. That's huge. I think every single person who identifies as a woman who I come in contact with has a very hard time with what you just said: accepting who you are and realizing that, even if others can’t handle that, you don’t have to change.
Ani: Yes. When I got out of college and was in that era where all my college friendships started to dissipate because we'd all moved out, it killed me. Now it's different. It's more like ending a chapter in a book and just saying, “Okay, you know, my marriage is over with my ex-husband, but my co-parenting is starting.” And that doesn't mean we have to hate each other. We don't have to focus on the marriage that failed. Actually, we don't believe it failed. We say that it ended because it was successful on its own. But yes, I don't have to change for that. We can still figure out how to work together and have a successful relationship. I've lost quite a few friends since coming out, a lot more friends than I realized were not accepting of this. More so with the divorce than the coming out too, which is an interesting fact.
Jamie Greenwood: Do you have thoughts on why certain people have a harder time accepting a divorce than someone coming out?
Ani: I think there's multiple things. I think one of which is a lot of people paint me as a villain because I have harmed this marriage and I'm ruining my kids' lives. And that's not true. You can have a perfectly healthy life as a divorced child and be fine. I also think it's the misogyny of the woman leaving a marriage, the marriage that they're supposed to have and stay in forever. And I think there's a lot of people who are kind of jealous of me and they're projecting because they stayed in their marriage that was completely unhealthy for way too long. And they've just dealt with it and they've gotten used to it by now. And they're seeing me take ownership and then they're like, “Well, she's selfish.”
Jamie Greenwood: When I got divorced, people were freaked out. Maybe they were jealous, or maybe it was just like, “oh God, if it didn't work out for them, what does that mean for me?” It was a lot for them to look at their own marriage and be terrified that they were going to either have to be brave and walk away or be brave and stay, but like really change something or just not be friends with me anymore so they didn't have to think about it.
Ani: Yes.
Jamie Greenwood: The last question I have for you is: who would you recommend for Homecoming and how would you get them excited about it?
Ani: I really think a lot of women, my age, the millennial generation who came into the workforce at such a weird time, and who are struggling so hard right now with our student debt, the housing crisis, all of that. I think millennial women could actually get a lot from Homecoming on how to create their mindsets and move forward in a healthy way while honoring themselves. Learning to break down these narratives that we put upon ourselves and the ways we beat ourselves up. I think a lot of strong professional women in every category, from janitorial staff to the CEO. You can learn how to honor yourself and be compassionate with yourself. It’s something I think any person who identifies as a woman needs to know, as people trying to break through these patriarchal, societal values. And I think Homecoming is one of the best tools to internalize that and be able to use that power in your life to break out of the patriarchal stranglehold. And then translate that into other aspects like your work life, your relationships, all of that.
Ani Recommends Homecoming for any Woman Trying to Break Through Patriarchal Societal Values, Including Millennial Women Struggling with Student Debt and the Housing Crisis.
Jamie Greenwood: Well sh*t, Annie! Thank you so much for being here. You are such a gift to me, to your Homecoming cohort, to your children, to your ex-husband, and to your partner. You are a gift.
Ani: Thank you.
Jamie Greenwood: Thank you all for listening. Thank you for lending us your ears. If you enjoyed this, please subscribe and pass it along. And if you're interested in learning more about Homecoming, you can do that here! That's it. Bye everyone!
Homecoming is for Anyone Ready to Learn How to Be Authentic, Practice Self Compassion, and Take Up Space in their Lives.
If any of this sounds like you, consider joining Homecoming. It’s a phenomenal way to learn how to be authentic, practice self compassion, and take up space. Simply click HERE to set up a discovery call and we'll talk to see if Homecoming is right for you.
Honestly, Homecoming is one of my most favorite things and I'm so excited and honored to share it with you.
And, if you’re looking for more self care content in the meantime, check out:
This blog on how to practice self care when you’re freaking the f*ck out.
and
The above conversation original took place via video call. The transcription was edited and some portions omitted or changed to ensure readability and clarity in a blog format.
If you enjoyed this post, please keep reading!
There are many more blogs to help you learn how to be authentic, practice self-compassion, and take up space!
This conversation is between myself and an incredible woman named Ani, who shares how she learned how to be authentic, practice self-compassion, and take up space without guilt or shame through my 6-month group coaching program, Homecoming. Ani is a model for how to excavate internalized misogyny and live authentically without fear of others’ opinions. The conversation originally took place on my podcast, The Path Home.